note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
