Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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