What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
