I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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