her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
