Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
