the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
