Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
