The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize