Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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