Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
