I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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