Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
