if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
