did you get engaged???
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
