I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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