Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
