So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
