Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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