Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
