Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
