i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
