My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
