does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
