At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
