so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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