a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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