When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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