Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize