he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
love makes seman taste better
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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