Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
