Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize