I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
