Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize