You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
