you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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