I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
