he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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