I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
