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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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