I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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