OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
