you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
