I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
