The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize