The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
