my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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