please come you make the beer taste better
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
