She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
