I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
