We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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