I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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