im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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