I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I have tasted many bathrooms
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
