if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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