Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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