She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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