her vagina looked like bernie madoff
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
