Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
there is puke in my bra ... again
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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