i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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