She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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