I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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