I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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